丷嘿暗里の静﹎メ

Never thought I would have the courage to speak to my dad like that, but now I regret it. Why do I have such bad timing or maybe I just don't know when I should speak my mind. Now he's gone, mom's heartbroken and I have a whole new burden. Why did thing turn out like this. I really don't know. Were we cursed from the very beginning or is it simply an accumulation of all of our negligence. We were never the type of family that you saw in dramas. We had no commonalitiea, we never expressed our affection for one another, we rarely even spoke, but we were still a family, no matter how dysfunctional we were. Now, I don't know how things will turn out. I can't help but blame myself for my ignorance nd lack of self control. I should have known better than to argue with him, especially when he has this mental disorder. I'm sorry. Why is it that everything I do turns out wrong somehow.

There's a scent that I can never seem to get out of my head..at least I have not been able to for the past 4+ years. Every time I go by a department store fragrance counter, a little light bulb goes off in my head. I instinctively search for the similar packaging...and smell the different scents under the same brand, hoping one will be the one that I've been searching for. It has become a habit, but has ended in vain on so many occasions. I remember having smelt a similar updated scent on my last layover in canada. The scent had so much resemblance to the original formula, yet was still so very different They stopped making the original formula. I felt so disappointed. I have thought abt buying the scent online, as that is the only place I've seen it being sold anymore, but I always stopped myself. Even if I had possession of the same bottle, the scent would not be the same. I will never get a another chance to relive that scent I have carved in my memory. The only thing I can do is hope that I forget it altogether, The scent of summer so many years past.

什么时候才能为了自己想要的生活而活
还是生存在这种家庭里是不可能发生的
一句话就要我飞回去，你不回那你算什么女儿。。（我也想知道）
我不是神，我回去能解决什么
每次都可以叫我牺牲学业，前途，快乐，
却不能努力为了家亲和孩子而振作
自己明知道自私，那为什么还要要求我怎么做
我不可能在身边帮你们一辈子
我也想有人可以帮我
为什么都是我要帮别人
自己的人生就只能靠自己
父母家庭我为什么一定要
我真不想要
求求你了

很想学会表达自己的想法，可是很像自己已经没有想法了。中国的新年是不是也能给我新的一个开始。十几年没在国内过年，也没有什么感觉。- -只是真的好吵。还没过年就每天放烟火鞭炮。吵死了。晚上又懒的出去。同事有的回老家。有的去旅游。我选者一个人呆在这个陌生的城市。回老家也觉得陌生。还不如一个人呆着。反正这是我最习惯的。
才来2个星期。但觉得已经不只那点时间了。每天上班下班原来也不过如此。我是不是能回去了？- - 哈哈
其实这个城市满不错的。人也比去过的其他地方nice很多。那天还多亏那个taxi司机送我回来。要不我也不知道会怎样。然后当他说“那个人和你不配”的时候心里满高兴的。哈哈。这里的人也是孤独的吧。虽然并没有恶意可是他们比我复杂。不喜欢这样的人。以后要学乖点了。
不管未来这么样，新的一年了又是新的一个开始。happy new year 兔 me


明天和同事去庙会。希望不会被挤死= =

2010年はあっという間に終わってしまってが、今夜は終に切符を買った。
新しい都市で生活が待ってて、楽しみにしてるはずが、今も緊張してる。
でもわたしってダメだなと思いたくない。ぜったい見せてくれよ。

"人生には、思いもかけない出来事がふりかかる。でも人生は続いて行く...。"

2010さいよなら

              。。。。。。。2011 よろしくね

好鄙视我自己啊
才回来一个星期就撞到了2部车。
（我知道我开的实在也太烂了）
都怪眼睛不好，今天又昏昏沉沉的开车，
都怪这里的破天气，
外面100度，教室里50度。
害我一下来就生病了。
喉咙痛，鼻子又塞，头又疼， md
以前老说别人是病猫，
现在自己也好不到那里去。
多了出那么多个毛病来，真够倒霉的。唉

然后修理车又不能让保险付。只好自己掏钱了。
刚还完的卡债现在又变一千多了- -为什么就还不清
原本白白胖胖的。现在前面后面都变成老花脸一样
我太对不住你了
都没脸开你出去见人了
还好眼睛哪里的洞没有了，不然修理一定更贵。
幸好你才3个星期大，还很有弹性
我以后尽量好好对你的- -

决定了还是读business算了
就算这学期要每天死呆在b-school,也总比死呆在lab里好
虽然过去的两年真的没学到什么，
但初级课都上了差不多了
（ke ke shi.....后面会很苦.....）
只能再熬2年，找份稳定的工作，然后才能做自己想做的
现在没实力又没金钱，就不要每天做白日梦了
（我说的有点天真了- -）
虽然我的desire to succeed从来都是低过我的fear of failure,
今年一定要努力超越自己，
要一个人也无所谓，大家不都是这样过来的
= =最重要是表再撞到别人了。
开车要慢点。外面花了，要是还那么快把新车的break弄坏了就更不划算了

真的好不想去上课。反正上了也觉得是白上。
考完试就吧学到的忘的一干二净。
应不应该换Major也决定不了
每次做决定都要犹豫很有，偏偏后来又会后悔做了这个决定- -
（没救了我）
虽然换了可能以后比较有保障，
可是我真的对什么都没有方向感。
换了也等于白白浪费了2年的时间
下个学期想做的也可能实现不了
以后只能每天拼命的学习才能按时毕业
- -这也太不像我了
我本来就不是读书的料=(
以前所以为的事根本就不是我所想象的那样。
就算换了真的会比较好吗。

为什么别人可以那么确定自己想要什么
那么有计划，那么有意志力去达到自己想要的
每天只知道睡吃和买， 我怎么就那么废呢- -
换还是不换啊。 只有几天的时间了。
老天爷给我个sign帮我决定下吧

i finally have my own car, well technically not mine since i'm not paying for it.
dad wanted to get the pacific blue, but it would remind me of certain things that i rather not want to remember
hence i opted for the super white with the black in the front. (my kind of contrast)
but after looking at it for a day, it seems a little big, might also be due to the color- -
overall, i'm satisfy with the car. just hope that i dont get into a crash anytime in the near future.
but then the more i think about the upcoming 13+ hour drive down to atl the more uncertain i feel
god, im such a lousy driver- -

one good news is that my grandma will be coming soon, possibly mid-september
after the passing of both grandpas, falls and illnesses...it's nice to hear some positive news =)

i still can't fathom the fact that classes will resume in only a week
the packing, the drive, the move, the unpacking, the retreat, classes
- - i dont know if i want to go back, but i dont think i want to stay here either
summer's gone by way too fast, oh where have all the time gone

so many things have been upsetting/bugging me lately
i have another week in corn-ville before i can go home
and, there's no ac at the house right now and it's humid and over 90 degrees- -
plus, work is irritating at times, but it's mostly just me making the situation worst by not suppressing my discontent
when will i learn to control my feelings- - so unprofessional and childish
and then my brain keeps reminding me of things that are soooo a thing of the past
im only asking for a little peace and quite!!

these days, the only thing that makes everything better is a nice shower
but then i become sweaty right after i get dressed- -
godamnfuck'ing lousy central heating system, no good piece of crap!!!!!!!!!!!!
making life so much more miserable than it really should be
im not even asking for much, just ac in this gdm house- -
but only 1 more week. i shall overcome and go back to my nice and chilled room

the last piece of sad news has been aired and talked about for a while now
and now it all seems inevitable, we can only wait for it to be finalize in oct
which wouldn't make much difference, but at least everyone can be reassured that way
the clues, signs of lack of interest were there all along,
but in our hearts we all hoped that it would work out, and they would stay together
i am really sad to see one of them depart but if it makes him happy, then what else can we do but continue to show our support
he has the talent and courage to chase his dreams,
he may not succeed, but at least he has the guts to try and choose a path that so many people are against
(plus i think he knows that the group can make it without him, and it's unfair for him to drag them down)
that was what made him so appealing in the first place

things will all work out, it always does
and i hope that he proves all them haters wrong
he's gonna do what he's been dreaming of doing and people are still gonna cry mad for him

ahh i should at least try to learn something from him
- -maybe his courage will dawn on me after i see him a few more times=)))

「CLOSE MY EYES　あの日に聴いた　名も無き歌声　君が口ずさんでた
どんなに時が経っても　色褪せずに　僕らを繋いでいるよ

今でも君を思 い出しては　何度も何度も答えを探すけど

FARAWAY　離れてる場所で　誰よりも優しく強く　今も
歌っている　あの日と変わら ない　途切れない小さなメロディ
FAREWELL　見慣れない景色に　戸惑いもほんのちょっとあるけど
その時には　大切な言葉が　そっと 守ってくれる

YESTERDAY　突然じゃない　でも信じられない　足跡が分かれた日
何も言えないままで　うつむいてた　弱さを 隠しきれずに

最後にくれた　その「ありがとう」が　明日へと繋がる希望に変わるから

FARAWAY　この風に乗せて　君 だけに届けたい言葉達
聴こえてるかい?　あの日と変わらない　途切れない小さなメロディ
FAREWELL　別々の道で 同じ色の花をまた探そうよ
道に迷い　くじけそうな時に　しるしになるように

記憶の欠片　そっと集めよう　少しずつ　壊さないよう に
I WISH いつか一つになって　大切な思いに変わる

FARAWAY　離れてる場所で　誰よりも優しく強く　今も
歌っ ている　あの日と変わらない　途切れない小さなメロディ
FAREWELL　約束の歌は　いつまでも　心の奥深くに響き渡り
そして歩き出す よ　また出会える日まで

また出会える日まで」

Translation (credit： xmonster1603@lj)
Close my eyes, there is the song I heard that day, the nameless melody that you quietly sang to yourself
It is the one thing that refuses to fade away, that keeps us connected no matter how much time has passed

Until now, I keep searching and searching for the answer every time I think of you

Faraway, in a place without you, I am still singing, with strength, with gentleness
this tiny endless melody that has stayed unchanged ever since that day
Farewell, bewildered and confused as I am in front of this unfamiliar scenery,
I know for certain that you are gently protecting the precious words we exchanged

Yesterday, it came as no surprise, still it was unbelievable, the day our footprints went separated ways
Unable to speak up, I didn't dare to look at you, yet I wasn't able to hide my weakness

The "thank you" that you gave me at the end will become the hope that connects me with tomorrow, so...

Faraway, riding on this wind, here are the words I want to send you, only you
Can you hear it? this tiny endless melody that has stayed unchanged ever since that day
Farewell, as we go along two different roads, whenever we are wore down by confusion,
let us look for flowers of the same colors and take them as the proof of our meeting

Let's gather the fragments of memory, gently, carefully, so that it wouldn't break
I wish that someday we will be able to put inside our heart a complete memory

Faraway, in a place without you, I am still singing, with strength, with gentleness
this tiny endless melody that has stayed unchanged ever since that day
Farewell, this promise song will forever resound deep in my heart
And so I start walking, until the day we meet again

Until the day we meet again

ジンの声が出ないアルバムでその歌がすごく好き
ええ、若しかしてその歌は今の場合を描いていると思ってた
でもね、どのようになっても自分の気持ちは変えない。。
何時でも何時でも　応援するよ

心から信頼できると言える人が欲しくて、
そばにいてくれる人欲しくて、
しかし、孤独の生活に慣れてしまった私はあの人をみつけるの？

「FARAWAY　離れてる場所で　誰よりも優しく強く　今も
歌っ ている　あの日と変わらない　途切れない小さなメロディ
FAREWELL　約束の歌は　いつまでも　心の奥深くに響き渡り
そして歩き出す よ　また出会える日まで

また出会える日まで。。。」

现在是凌晨3点多
过几个小时又要开始回往玉米田的旅程
我不知道我为什么要回去- -
可是如果不回去又能做什么呢？
其实很多可以做，可是我为什么就是做不到- -
搬到这里快要10年了
10年累积下来的习惯和想法真的就改变不了了吗？
真的注定一辈子过着自己不想却无法改变的生活吗？
其实c说的很对。不是不能改变，而是我太习惯了我的习惯
我为什么就这么contradicting= =
明明讨厌这样，为什么不学学别人去争取自己想要的东西呢？
可是习惯给了我安全感，就算我什么都得不到，它还是在那里
尽管我有时多么想脱离它，最后还是我们俩

我真的不想要我的习惯了
我要如何才能摆脱你？
如果10次都不能做到，100次1000次里面一定会有那么一次吧
总会有那么一次的， zettai ni！！
有一天，我一定会变成相反的现在的我- -

"...she was troubled by unpleasant fantasies about what was going to happen to her. She detested this helplessness. No matter how hard she tried to concentrate on something else - to pass the time and to distract her from the situation she was in - the fear came trickling out. It hovered like a cloud of gas around her, threatening to penetrate her pores and poison her. She discovered that the most effective method of keeping the fear at bay was to fantasize about something that gave her a feeling of strength. She closed her eyes and conjured up the smell of gasoline" --The Girl Who Played with Fire

at least i have the book/trilogy to keep me company for the next 2 - if not 5 weeks--.....please please not 5 weeks= =
why do i always get myself into these kinds of unnecessary predicaments.

TO DO LIST before classes start
1. get out of the cornfields!!!!
2. get my own car
3. get someone to drive w me back to atlanta
4. do something memorable/fun
5. put in effort to come up with a plan for upcoming semester= =